Becoming attached: Why the rules of dating often apply to my work

When it comes to my relationships with clients it feels like I often have to play by the rules of dating. Over the last decade I feel like I have experienced a non stop rotation of new, existing and returning clients. Every day I get several inquiries about how someone found me and I’m the answer to their skin prayers. I mindfully reply back and then - nothing. Since I have been with my husband for almost 6 years I missed the era of online dating, so I find that I still play a very old school part in courting someone.  When a client ghosts me I get confused and think  “didn’t you reach out to me?”. I also get broken up with by clients. I find that as strong as my return rate is there are many reasons why some people don’t come back. As an empathetic healer there are a lot of lessons I have to continuously learn again and again because I become heavily invested in each case. Whether a client ghosts me or gives me a very thoughtful reason why they can no longer see me, it still somehow manages to sting. There are many reasons why I think that a service providers clientele continues to evolve. I want to explore what may be holding back from taking the leap you need to trusting the process to finally achieving the skin of your dreams.

Many of you may know that I am an unconventional skin therapist to start with. I have an intuitive and integrative approach without holding back in my care (or expression of care). I become friendly with my clientele because if I don’t know what’s really going on with you in your day to day life than how can I be of support? Many layers get peeled back after a client starts to become comfortable with me. Whether it’s because they see me as a girlfriend to share their history with or because I provide a nonjudgemental space to let your guard down. Getting to the root of your skin concerns often time can run much deeper than the physical manifestation of a breakout. The mirror can often reflect back a clouded version of our true selves and I take it upon myself to clean that mirror so you can see the true inner beauty you possess. Something I have learned overtime, and was most recently reminded of by Lacy of Free and Native, is that our worth is established at a very young age. If we don’t actively watch how we see, speak and think about ourselves - that worth can plummet to the lowest emotional state. As I hold the mirror up, I also hold a list of responsibilities for you. This includes taking a look within and tuning into what we know is holding us back from achieving our best life. Most clients astound me with their self awareness because they come in willing to take on the tools and added responsibility I give them so they achieve their end goal of loving that person in the mirror.

I developed this type of homework giving mentality because I remember being so desperate for perfect skin that I would have tried anything for it. I took the advice of everyone when it came to nutrition, hormone health, exercise and stress management. Once I started to see results I still didn’t accept them. I was the first to deflect a compliment or remind someone of how at any point my skin (or confidence) could fall apart. I wasn’t willing to accept that I was worth having great skin. That I was worth the compliments. That I was worth anything. That is until I realized that if I wasn’t going to be able to accept myself, why would I expect my clients to? Whenever I would compliment someone’s skin and they wouldn’t accept it, it started to feel shitty on my end too. I remember thinking “I know great, healthy skin and they are coming to me for help. Why don’t they believe that my compliment is sincere?”. So I started accepting compliments. I also made it a point to compliment myself and to find everything I loved about myself in times of doubt.  

So when a client comes in and put their hope in my ability to heal them I share my method as best as possible. I check to see how they accept compliments, how they speak about themselves and how big of a protective barrier they may or may not have built up. Out of all of the people who have broken up with me in the last decade, I would say 90% of them were the folks unable to finish the homework I give them. The other 10% either moved or couldn’t expense the money for a facial (totally understandable BUT my advice is communicate your financial needs with me - I can usually work something out). Since my approach is so integrative, I become super invested on your journey to finding your self worth again. Fixating on the problem or trying multiple avenues to topically “fix” the issue is simply not a path I can encourage or resonate with. I have seen so many people turn the corner with their skin and their ability to love themselves that I know my method is valuable and achievable. Every single challenge we are faced with in this life is meant to teach us a lesson and though it doesn’t seem fair, you will constantly be presented with the same issue until you get to the root of the problem. Once you face it and learn your lesson that is when you can truly move on. It’s like when you are in the same relationship cycle and then one day realize you’re the common denominator. Your actions start to change and you begin to look within yourself for answers.

Listen, my pattern is that I become attached. This is extremely vulnerable for me to admit too. I wish I cared a little less sometimes but since I want to help in any way I can that I have often allowed myself to have my boundaries crossed over. I let clients text me at all hours of the day and night, I take on appointments when I meant to take a day off and I’ll spend 30+ extra minutes without charging extra. I will and have gone above and beyond for you. That’s why it hurts when I get ghosted, broken up with or blamed for lack of results. The lesson I have come away with during my last few experiences of this has been that I can’t do the work for you. I am your coach but I can’t play the game. It’s also very clear that oftentimes relationships shift as they are no longer needed. I make it a point to send someone love if I don’t hear back from them and force myself to assume that they are thriving. As I continue to move forward with these lessons, I will start resetting my boundaries while following my heart. As much as I want to help every single one of you, I know that our timing has to line up in order for the magic to really happen. Thanks again for reading and until next week, take care. xo - Hayley

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