A TSC recap; A year since my Hayley hiatus

TSC journey

Aug 26

Hi everyone, here we are again just a few days away from my 33rd birthday. Like many of you, I’m perplexed with where the time has gone this year. I mean, we are in a pandemic still where we’ve been in quarantine and/or social distancing for the better part of 5 months so maybe that’s it. It’s interesting to end up here with the acknowledgement of becoming a year older while being in a completely different place than I anticipated. Usually, I have some foresight as to what’s going to happen because I’m intentional in setting goals for myself, my business, and my family. Especially with 32. Why? Well, if you don’t recall, I took a monthlong hiatus last year starting on my birthday. Let me recap the year and bring you along for the lessons I had to learn the hard way and some of the blessings that I never expected.

Yes, I am posing with @medterracbd but I couldn’t help but love this accidental photo of Josie and I in our new backyard. — *Yes, I am posing with @medterracbd* *but I couldn’t help but love this accidental photo of Josie and I in our new backyard.*

First, we took a hiatus! Woohoo! It was a blissful month of intentional practices…ugh okay, no it wasn’t. My hiatus was basically me trying to figure out why I felt like crap for so long. I was in bed with a heating pad for a good chunk of it. I was in doctors appointments for another good chunk of it. And the rest was me journaling, reading, daily outings with Josie, and cooking a lot. Those were the parts that I felt really happy with.

All of it was necessary but at the start of turning 32, I had a lot on my plate with little knowledge on how I can keep going because I just felt horrible all the time. I have to reiterate when I say ALL THE TIME because there wasn’t a moment I felt okay or comfortable in my body. I wonder if many of you feel the way I do about going to the doctor as well - I’m much more of a holistic practitioner type of gal, like going to acupuncture or getting an Ayurvedic assessment of my health. But when your holistic practitioners are asking you to go get more help, regardless of how many doctors I TRIED to explain my pain too, I decided one last time to TRY to get some support. The right doctor found his way to me via instagram and a few weeks (and couple hundred dollars) later, I was met with some answers that gave me both relief and pause. Not only did I have multiple organs getting crushed by my fibroids, I had scar tissue build up all over my reproductive system from previously undiagnosed endometriosis. Which is a chronic illness that affects your whole body with pain and your mental state. So on the one hand, it felt good to realize that I wasn’t insane for being in so much pain all the time, while on the other hand, what did this mean for my fertility and my future?

When I look back on my last year, I’ve learned so much about the correlation of all my chronic symptoms since I was a kid to this illness. I learned so much about the pelvic floor, leaky gut, severe nutrient deficiencies, and neurological pain. I now have a new roadmap to feeling better because I found out what was wrong. Which I am EXTREMELY thankful for. Knowing how to take care of myself is part of what helps me survive the symptoms and it’s helped all the relationships in my life. My friends and family now understand me so much more when I tell them I’m having a flare. I’m not being flaky, lazy, or absent - I’m surviving full body, debilitating pain. Which generally looks like this photo but at any time of the day for an unforeseen period of time. I have my tools of a weighted blanket, CBD, and loose clothing to help me through. I’m also on a new food plan that is just as healthy as before but also packed with nutrients I thought I was getting enough of, but turns out people with endo are insanely depleted in. Several supplements, no gluten, limited sugars (mostly dates, in season fruits, and maple syrup), no coffee, tiny bit of dairy, and LOTS of home cooked, no processed foods.

It turns out it’s extremely difficult for people with endometriosis to conceive and to have a viable pregnancy. Trying to conceive was still on our hearts and we were told to try RIGHT AWAY since that was my best chance post-surgery. I pushed myself to heal quickly (which is not an actual timeline you can control btw) and as soon as I was about to enter the IVF world - BOOM! Covid-19 had us on lockdown. The total re-evaluation of our health, finances, careers, and future family was thrown into our laps within the span of a week. The preciousness of life was really made clear after EVERYTHING we worked for was wiped from under us. It became necessary for us to count our blessings AND our pennies.

That’s when relocation became a necessity and an opportunity in Roseburg, Oregon presented itself. But I need you to know that moving during a pandemic, an election year, and a civil rights movement from a major city to a super small town has been quite the journey. Sometimes I wake up and have a panic attack, other days I am relieved and breathe deeper than I have been able to in years.

The greatest lessons came through over the last month or so when I wasn’t in my heightened survival state.

Here they are:

Your purpose follows you as long as you align with yourself. What could that possibly even mean? Well, things don’t show up for you if you’re not ready to receive it. So stay patient and trust that the slow times are meant to prepare you for when you are ready. There were so many times when I felt physically ill from all the changes happening in my life. I chose to listen to my body and let it go through its metamorphosis.
Being yourself is the only way to make it through the trials of your life. I’ve been taught to assimilate for as long as I can remember. Sure, I’m really good at being the new kid in school because I learn to fit in as a way of coping with change. We can only cope so much until our bodies scream at us to process. The best ways to process is to do things you love and to honor who you are at your core. For me, that looked a lot like Tik Tok dancing, listening to my old French-Canadian music, and following cooking tutorials non-stop. Those habits healed my inner trauma in ways I wasn’t expecting.
You don’t have to have it all together, regardless of what society tells you about your age. Part of me felt better knowing we are all going through our own versions of trauma and loss during this pandemic. Maybe not everyone lost their income and had to pause on starting their families, but we all have been faced with some scary realities. I had to let go of getting pregnant right away from my surgery and the timelines being put on my body to produce an outcome. Learning about my chronic illness warranted some time for me to acclimate to a new lifestyle.
There are days where you won’t wash your face. There I said it. If you can, do it because you want to. If you can’t, please don’t beat yourself up about it. Your body will always be on your side. Your skin will take care of you. Don’t let the ads, influencers, or any promotion of white-washed, privileged self-care take away how you are doing your best. Skincare is for self-care and grooming, it’s not an opportunity to beat yourself up.
Stop avoiding the work. As a collective, I think we can all agree that this has been a messy year of going inward and addressing the parts of ourselves that need healing but we’d rather avoid. The truth is that if we all pitch in and work on ourselves, we can really help heal the world. So start with you before you do the work for someone else. Whether this is anti-racism work, dismantling your previous beliefs systems on money, or not knowing how to take care of your health. Each of us has this work to do and we’re not half as woke as we thought. You’re always evolving and learning something new. Just do the right thing for yourself first. Then VOTE.

So there you have it, a few of the lessons that came through after a year of survival. Which luckily came right after my year of Yin listening. I’m definitely wiser, stronger, and more myself than I’ve ever been - but it’s also true because I’ve broken down all the parts of me that were screaming for my help. My inner child has been nurtured, my inner organs are now healing, and all of my closest relationships are now better equipped to fully accept and love me.