if healing is what we're striving for, then why is it so triggering?
It’s taken me some time to determine how I can reintroduce myself on the blog after my Hayley hiatus. I’ve started by trying to write a recap blog and filming myself sharing the experience but nothing really felt - for lack of a better word - authentic. Mostly because I would feel myself spiraling when reliving the experience. I start to word vomit some not so nice things about myself or sob in front of my camera about how uncomfortable I am with all of this. You don’t want to see that footage, I promise you.
My hiatus was both tumultuous and rewarding, yet part of it I’m still processing so I’m finding it difficult to outwardly share the experience while I’m still very much in it. After mulling it over for the last few weeks, I realized that my fear and hesitation were stemming from how the healing journey is ultimately the most triggering process. I am not necessarily afraid to share what’s going on with me but every time I start to put it in writing, it overwhelms me on a cellular level. I start to relive my trauma and that rocks the foundation I’ve built for me to move steadily forward.
I’m at a point though where I just want to release it fully so what I’ve decided to do is breakdown what “healing” really means (at least to me) and evaluate why it’s often so triggering that we avoid or dissociate from it.
(For those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about or how this relates to holistic skin health, read this previous post first and then follow me through this.)
The word healing is actually quite controversial in the skincare world. Why? Because there is no product, procedure, or program that can truly be measured for 100% accuracy.
Sure, some ingredients can HAVE natural healing properties, procedures can ENCOURAGE healing to occur, and programs can LEAD you down a path TOWARDS healing, but ultimately it’s not a perfectly measurable thing. It looks, feels, and identifies itself differently for all of us.
So when I’m asked if I’m a healer, my answer is yes but of my own life and no one else’s. My work facilitates the safe space for healing that someone is seeking within themselves. They are ultimately the ones who take the steps towards whatever their version of healing is.
At first, taking a break seemed like it was going to be the most rejuvenating thing ever. I envisioned myself having a picturesque retreat where I would accomplish all of my personal goals, get tons of self-care, have lunch with all of my girlfriends, read all the books, etc. I thought that I could just manage to POOF be okay overnight! But really, I put up a mirror to myself in order to find the darkest parts of me desperate for even a little attention. The shadow parts that I’m humiliated and ashamed of, yet they are still always there covered deeply in fear.
I was terrified to take a break as it seemed like everything on the surface was going well. It physically felt like I was walking off of a cliff the moment I shut myself off to the world. I took a break because I was exhausted and unknowingly running away from myself. I had been living with an undiagnosed chronic illness and feeling like I was going insane, at times dying, and completely alone since doctors kept telling me I was fine. I studied fear a lot during my break and found that pretty much all of the physical symptoms of illness that I experienced throughout my lifetime have a root of fear in them. My body was riddled in fear, some from my own trauma, a lot from the trauma of others that I take on in my work, and even some from my ancestors.
After the first few days of my hiatus announcement, it became clear to me that this break was not going to be picturesque after all. I had to basically practice what I preach by stepping out of myself and coach my health and mental wellbeing as if I were a facial client. It was the only way I could give myself some grace during the particularly dark days.
First, I read “The Power of Receiving” which was an extremely thoughtful gift by a client who really sees me without judgment of my messy process with fertility. I read it in a day because it was written in a language that wasn’t the basic/LA/wellness/privileged/white woman rhetoric that I have been fed to believe is the only way of manifestation. It taught me the simple concept that in order to manifest what you want, you have to commit to one thing at a time (like having a monogamous relationship with your goal instead of dating a ton of your goals at once) and work on your receiving abilities in order to be able to, well, receive it. It makes sense right? But like the majority of people out there, I’m so much better at giving than receiving. In fact, one of the core belief systems that was really difficult to admit that I needed to let go was how giving to others fueled my self-worth. My immigrant survival instincts kick in here because it’s how I was raised and it feels like a cycle I had to continue. I didn’t move life away from my family and home, miss out on all the holidays, funerals, and other life events only to slack off.
Making something of myself is my only option for survival which made being of service a survival mechanism and not a heart-based choice.
Not having clients come in and out of my living space made me feel lonely and unfulfilled. Then I thought to myself, what do I teach my clients when they have difficulty receiving? I teach my clients to reframe their skincare as self-care because it will tune them into a necessary conversation with their body and emotional well-being. The act of receiving opens up a portal to which parts of you need tending to in order to thrive. And you know what, once I stopped dissociating from myself in order to always show up for clients, I felt my physical pain much more deeply and took the first step towards discovering the root of my chronic pain.
Next, I decided to let go of the plan I had for myself in order to just take some pressure off. The endless to-do lists, the expectation of myself to magically feel better, the impossible pressure of working overtime all the time. The reason I was acting in such fear was that, at this point in my life, I thought that I’d have more. More money, more space, more followers, more projects, more family, etc. I was desperately gripping to a plan that I couldn’t relax and enjoy my environment without fear of losing it/falling behind. But that plan was shackling me to a very specific path that wasn’t in alignment with my health.
Being off of social media really helped me let this one go because I was no longer stuck mindlessly comparing my progress and success to others. Once I got back onto social media, I muted everyone. Even my friends and the accounts that are not typically triggering to me. Why? Because my mental health is too important to me than to risk accidentally seeing another pregnancy announcement or how a brand spanking new esthetician has a spa of their own. Those are my top two triggers because those are things I planned on by now and my life hasn’t led me to that exact destination for a reason. There is much more important work that needs to be done before the possibility of those scenarios becoming my personal reality. Once I let it go, I had time to address my pain and followed my instincts to go to a doctor which led me to a specialist who treated me the way I strive to treat my clients.
I was diagnosed with endometriosis only 3 days before I went back to work as I had a strict timeline that I could just be off (a girl has to make that rent money okay!). The specialist I saw spent 90 minutes with me asking me to describe my pain and without dismissing me, as most other doctors had until this point, he found the root. Endometriosis and fibroids are not just an excess of estrogen or punishment on a woman’s body for simply existing. It’s also the unattended trauma stored in a woman’s reproductive space. My yin, divine femininity, creative space, sacral, and root chakras were all covered in fear. “You should have been helped a long time ago” was what my doctor told me as he showed me the build-up of scar tissue I had accumulated all over my reproductive organs. I laid there and cried in relief as some fear gently started to slip away. I had created a portal of space, narrowed down on my intention to feel better, and honored my intuition to get help. A week ago, I had a laparoscopic surgery that has changed my life. I feel lighter, better, and so much more energized. This was the rejuvenation I was initially was looking for. It just took a lot of deep dark work to get here. It’s been the most triggering two months of my life, my first two months as a 32-year-old. Yet, facing the fear helped me see that all I needed was some deep self-love and compassion.
As many of you know, 2019 was the year I declared my year of Yin. And somehow, now that we’re almost in our 11th month, I feel like I’ve finally aligned with that intention. There’s still tons of fear to unpack but at least I have a better compass with my heart space now.
I also have a vastly improved relationship with my health. My health and I have always had a contentious relationship but when the doctor told me we’re lucky we did the surgery when we did, I started to release my resentment and found gratitude in how long my body was fighting for me. The healing journey is never going to end for me. As I’ve stated in this post, healing is not a linear path with an end destination, but at least now I can come back to loving myself when I’m scared. I trust in my body, I nurture my mental health, I lead with my heart. I’m not going to bloom all year round, but when I need to I’ll nourish my roots so I can flourish again.
Thank you for all of your support during this time and please know that it’s really vulnerable for me to share this. I am only sharing for two reasons:
1) To spread awareness on how to advocate for ourselves
2) because I feel like I need to explain a little bit about what’s going on with me.
Now that I’m post-surgery, I feel a completely new sense of energy to put into myself which is already reflecting in my work. I’d love to see you for a facial or create the content you’re seeking from TSC. Comment below with what you’d like to see from me in the future and thank you again for reading.
xo - Hayley
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